27 April 2006
20 April 2006
I was on this Postpartum Depression message board on Monday. This one lady had a list of suggestions of things to do/not do while waiting for your meds to kick in. Number 1 was: Do not watch the news. So I haven't watched the news in 4 days. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world. I guess it is sort of a good thing because I haven't bought any more canned goods to prepare us for a possible outbreak of Bird Flu, but the downside is I feel even more isolated than before. I thought today was Friday for most of the morning.
I wanted a cigarette today for the first time in years. Well, it was the first time in years that I wanted a cigarette while sober. Don't worry, Mom! I didn't run out and buy cigarettes or anything. I just brewed another pot of coffee like a good girl.
18 April 2006
(my mother-self dreams)
I dreamed you
my empty arms
mother and child.
In my longing
(my mother-self longing)
I cried inside
to see young children
clutching their mothers' hands
(my own were
all having babies
(such an easy thing to do) --
child of my heart
Carol Spear Stewart
17 April 2006
I am so very, very lucky to have such an amazing husband and caring friends and family to listen to me and to help me with Blue and the Lion. I worry about all the other women out there who may be suffering in silence. (God forbid Katie Holmes should wind up with post-partum depression!)
It has been very difficult to admit that I am not in control of my feelings. We tried for so long to have children and all I wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom--I felt very foolish admitting I was having trouble! Maybe if Blue were a little older than she is now and could verbalize better... Maybe if the Lion didn't cry for so many hours of the day... Who knows? Maybe none of that matters.
I mean, I've got nothing against taking medication to cope with depression or anxiety. Half of my family is on something! (I won't say which half, although my mother did thank God for Prozac in her last Christmas letter!) I think it's just the fact that my crying spells are triggered by the Lion's crying spells that is hard to face. Brooke Shields may be talking to the world about PPD but I still don't hear moms that I know talking about it. I know a mother who had it a few years ago (funnily enough, her babies were also 18 months apart and she had PPD after the second one was born) and I certainly didn't judge her. I remember feeling surprised because she is a very bubbly person and I couldn't picture her without a smile on her face, but that was my only reaction.
It's been hard to admit, too, because I like to think of myself as:
- extremely organized and capable (sending birthday cards and prompt thank-you notes, paying bills the day they arrive, keeping my pantry ridiculously well-stocked, etc.)
- a very strong person
But I have no choice. I need help, and my biggest motivation has been Blue. I do not like for her to see me like this. I do not like her seeing me cry. I was sitting on the couch yesterday, crying, and Jonathan was sitting beside me, trying to convince me to take the car and get out of the house for a while. He kept quietly saying, "Just go. Go. Go out and get some coffee and fresh air. Take as long as you need. Just go." And Blue walked up to me and put her hand on my leg and said, "Go" so I went.
15 April 2006
One of the hardest parts has been admitting that I feel overwhelmed. There is such immense pressure on moms, I think, to appear as if they really, really have their s**t together--that they are composed, organized, multi-tasking wonderwomen--and I have to admit: I am none of the above right now!
If I could remember to put the cap back on the milk before sticking it back in the fridge, I would feel like I was in control again. If I could just comfort this one screaming baby I would feel like I could conquer the world.
12 April 2006
06 April 2006
Jonathan and I were married! What a crazy four years it has been. Two houses, two children... I am so lucky to have found my soul mate. I think it is very rare. There are just so many people in the world, I think it is amazing that we even met...
Here is a funny story. Jonathan grew up in Manassas, Virginia, which is about an hour north of where I grew up. We were telling this to my niece, Emily, a few years ago, and she (who must have been about 7 or 8 at the time) just did not get it. Her parents went to the same high school, and even though they weren't exactly friends in school, they had at least heard of each other. "I didn't even know your Aunt Erin when I was growing up," Jonathan was trying to explain. So Emily asked him: "Had you heard of her?"
03 April 2006
Jonathan and I went to the Kennedy Center Saturday night to see Andrea perform. She was dazzling! (Of course.) I can't really type right now, she is visiting for 2 days so I don't want to waste a minute of my time with her, but I wanted to post this picture really quickly. It is of Tanya, Andrea and me after the show.