Yesterday

The Lion cried for over seven hours.

Two Months Old!

Waiting

for this Zoloft to kick in... It takes a good week or so according to the doctor, a magazine article, the internet and a printout that the pharmacy gave me. (I wanted to be sure, okay, so I did a little researching.) I wish there was something more ... I don't know ... immediate. Like a shot of tequila. Which I should definitely not have while on this Zoloft.

I was on this Postpartum Depression message board on Monday. This one lady had a list of suggestions of things to do/not do while waiting for your meds to kick in. Number 1 was: Do not watch the news. So I haven't watched the news in 4 days. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world. I guess it is sort of a good thing because I haven't bought any more canned goods to prepare us for a possible outbreak of Bird Flu, but the downside is I feel even more isolated than before. I thought today was Friday for most of the morning.

I wanted a cigarette today for the first time in years. Well, it was the first time in years that I wanted a cigarette while sober. Don't worry, Mom! I didn't run out and buy cigarettes or anything. I just brewed another pot of coffee like a good girl.

Child of My Heart

In my dreams
(my mother-self dreams)
I dreamed you

dreamed you
filling up
my empty arms
dreamed us
smiling
loving
mother and child.

In my longing
(my mother-self longing)
I cried inside
to see young children
clutching their mothers' hands
(my own were
so utterly
empty then)
and friends
all having babies
(such an easy thing to do) --

while I
waited and
waited (forever,
it seemed)
child of my heart
for you.

Carol Spear Stewart

Medicated at Last

Well, I went to the doctor today and got a prescription for Zoloft to help me deal with my post-partum depression. I think I have been struggling with anxiety for years, so I am very "anxious" (haha) to see if this helps me.

I am so very, very lucky to have such an amazing husband and caring friends and family to listen to me and to help me with Blue and the Lion. I worry about all the other women out there who may be suffering in silence. (God forbid Katie Holmes should wind up with post-partum depression!)

It has been very difficult to admit that I am not in control of my feelings. We tried for so long to have children and all I wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom--I felt very foolish admitting I was having trouble! Maybe if Blue were a little older than she is now and could verbalize better... Maybe if the Lion didn't cry for so many hours of the day... Who knows? Maybe none of that matters.

I mean, I've got nothing against taking medication to cope with depression or anxiety. Half of my family is on something! (I won't say which half, although my mother did thank God for Prozac in her last Christmas letter!) I think it's just the fact that my crying spells are triggered by the Lion's crying spells that is hard to face. Brooke Shields may be talking to the world about PPD but I still don't hear moms that I know talking about it. I know a mother who had it a few years ago (funnily enough, her babies were also 18 months apart and she had PPD after the second one was born) and I certainly didn't judge her. I remember feeling surprised because she is a very bubbly person and I couldn't picture her without a smile on her face, but that was my only reaction.

It's been hard to admit, too, because I like to think of myself as:

1. extremely organized and capable (sending birthday cards and prompt thank-you notes, paying bills the day they arrive, keeping my pantry ridiculously well-stocked, etc.)
2. a very strong person

As to the first characteristic, I realize this has nothing to do with being a capable person. My hormones are just out of control. And as for the second, I don't know whether I am a strong person, but I know I am not a weak one. As Jonathan pointed out, admitting I have a problem and asking for help from our friends and family has not been an easy thing to do.

But I have no choice. I need help, and my biggest motivation has been Blue. I do not like for her to see me like this. I do not like her seeing me cry. I was sitting on the couch yesterday, crying, and Jonathan was sitting beside me, trying to convince me to take the car and get out of the house for a while. He kept quietly saying, "Just go. Go. Go out and get some coffee and fresh air. Take as long as you need. Just go." And Blue walked up to me and put her hand on my leg and said, "Go" so I went.

After Wreaking Havoc...

A Great Big Shout Out

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of my wonderful friends and family (especially Jonathan!) for all of your love and support and prayers this past week. This has been a very emotional, stressful time for me. The Lion was very good last night, and I am holding my breath that he will be okay today, too.

One of the hardest parts has been admitting that I feel overwhelmed. There is such immense pressure on moms, I think, to appear as if they really, really have their s**t together--that they are composed, organized, multi-tasking wonderwomen--and I have to admit: I am none of the above right now!

If I could remember to put the cap back on the milk before sticking it back in the fridge, I would feel like I was in control again. If I could just comfort this one screaming baby I would feel like I could conquer the world.

Blue Playing in the Closet

Colic

I haven't been able to sit down to write anything because things have been pretty crazy at our house. Little Lion Man has colic and cries for about 6 hours a day. The rest of the time he sleeps or fusses like a "normal" baby. Last week he went to the ER late one night and then back to the pediatrician's to switch his prescription. I feel like pasting a little star on one of the doors at the pediatrician's and writing "Lion's Room" over it. Gotta go! He's awake.

Four Years Ago Today

Jonathan and I were married! What a crazy four years it has been. Two houses, two children... I am so lucky to have found my soul mate. I think it is very rare. There are just so many people in the world, I think it is amazing that we even met...

Here is a funny story. Jonathan grew up in Manassas, Virginia, which is about an hour north of where I grew up. We were telling this to my niece, Emily, a few years ago, and she (who must have been about 7 or 8 at the time) just did not get it. Her parents went to the same high school, and even though they weren't exactly friends in school, they had at least heard of each other. "I didn't even know your Aunt Erin when I was growing up," Jonathan was trying to explain. So Emily asked him: "Had you heard of her?"

Andrea and the Lion

Andrea's Performance

Jonathan and I went to the Kennedy Center Saturday night to see Andrea perform. She was dazzling! (Of course.) I can't really type right now, she is visiting for 2 days so I don't want to waste a minute of my time with her, but I wanted to post this picture really quickly. It is of Tanya, Andrea and me after the show.