Gus

Little Lion Man will be baptised in 2 days. And then, in one month, Blue will turn 2 years old. I can't believe how quickly the time has been flying by. I was thinking today about my miscarriage. Not that I don't think about it a lot, because I do, but I mean today I sat down and thought about it and didn't do anything else for a long time.

This September, Jonathan and I would be celebrating a birthday. We would have a 7 year old.

A 7 year old what, though. Up until today, I always thought that that baby was going to be a girl. I just had this feeling the baby, who we called Gus, was a girl. We liked the name Rosemary. Who knows what name we would have ultimately chosen. Blue was almost Cora, Jane, Georgiana, Penelope or Nina depending on the day. Even on the day she was born, we were still liking the sound of Nina!

And we were so sure that Lion was a girl--and his name would have been Eliza or Violet. That's what makes me wonder, though. Why was I so sure that Gus was going to be a girl? I thought Blue was going to be a boy. I was so shocked in the hospital when the nurse said, "It's a girl!" And then I really thought Lion was going to be a girl... So maybe I was wrong all three times.

Andrea's mom saw me in the mall when I was pregnant with Gus. I had gained so much weight right from the start. Even my face looked puffy. She said, "You're having a girl. I can tell." Everyone said that. They said, when you're pregnant with a girl, you gain weight all over.

But I gained a lot of weight all over right away with both Blue and Lion. True, I gained more weight with Blue, but I gained weight like crazy at the onset of all three pregnancies. So that doesn't really prove anything either.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. Now. After all this time. Maybe because I always assumed I knew at least that one small detail about the baby who would have been my first-born. And now, having been pregnant 2 more times, and having been wrong both of those times, I'm wondering, was I right? Was Gus a girl? Or was he a boy? I would have liked to have known at least that.