nine days...

I cannot believe this trip is coming up so soon! I am so excited. I am staying excited and focusing on the excitement to avoid thinking about leaving the babies behind. I mean, I think about it--how could I not?-- but it is a fleeting thought. It is like touching something very, very hot. My brain goes there, and the pain is very intense, almost physical, and I quickly and intentionally think of something else. If I don't distract my brain almost immediately, I will start to cry. It's that sort of heat in your chest and that pressure. You know. And the whimpering like a puppy. If not actually out loud, at least loudly in your mind.

I told my mom, "I hope I am excited and holding hands with Jonathan on the plane and looking ahead to the trip, and not bawling my eyes out over the babies." She said, "It's okay if you cry." But I don't want to start the trip on a sad, slobbery note. Maybe I will let myself cry in the car on the way to the airport and then once we are at the airport, turn off the hose and focus on London. That sounds good. That will be my plan.

I wonder if I will be more excited on the plane on the way to England or on the way home to my children?

And that is all I can say about that now or I will cry.