an unfinished life

And I'm not talking about Heath Ledger.

A little girl in Blue's preschool class lost her mother yesterday.

She was my age. She had breast cancer.

I only spoke with her once but she and I both would kind of stand off on the sides waiting for our daughters after school while the other moms who know each other from church or are just more naturally outgoing would clump together and chat. So we exchanged lots of shy smiles.

The last time I saw her was just before Halloween. She was wearing a wig for the first time. I told her "I like the hair!" and she laughed and said thanks.

The next day at preschool she wasn't there. I asked the teacher if she was okay and she told me no. That she had an infection and was in the ICU. I went home and cried and prayed and I told Jonathan I wished I had tried harder to be friendly. And that I was so grateful that I said something about her hair. That no one else standing outside the preschool acknowledged her that day.

Since that day the little girl has not missed a day of school. Her grandfather or father drops her off and picks her up. I would look at her little round face and her tousled hair and I would wonder, "Who picked out her little clothes today? Who brushed her hair?" I would pray for her mom and wish with all my heart that she would be at the preschool the next day. And she never was.

Today Blue's teacher called to tell me that this mom passed away suddenly yesterday while her little girl was in school.

I have been so upset and so angry. It is so unfair. This woman was my age. Her daughter is the same age as my daughter. It is just so unbearably sad. My heart aches for this little girl, for this husband who is now alone. I cannot imagine how scared and angry this mom must have been. How incredibly brave.

I would feel so cheated if I thought Blue and the Lion would grow up without me. That I would miss out on watching them grow. All those milestones. All those everydays. That they would not know how badly I love them.

I know I didn't know this woman, but my heart is breaking for her and for her family.