he is okay!

I can breathe again.

Jonathan had surgery today on his spine. He has had horrible back and leg pain for months now and so this surgery was very necessary. The doctor said it went really well. So hopefully he will not be in so much pain anymore.

But the idea of someone messing around with my husband's spine is terrifying. I was very nervous about this procedure. I didn't blog about it and I definitely wasn't talking about it.

It sucks that we are so alone. I mean, we're fine, he's fine, I am fine, the kids are fine, but I really could have used my Kathy Davenport today. As it was, we dropped Jonathan off at the medical center and I took Blue and Lion to Blue's dance class.  Lion was very good and sat with me and ate a bunch of crackers while Blue danced and I talked to some of the other moms. One mom in particular may be my new Kathy Davenport (as if there could ever be an other) because she has a girl Blue's age and a little boy Lion's age. We exchanged numbers and she said I could drop the kids off next week if I need to. And my new friend, Shannon, also has said to call her if I need anything. So I am not utterly alone!

But Shannon is almost an hour away and she works and has a baby, so I would hate to bother her. And I am very touched by the sweet mom from dance class, but I just met her so I know I'm not really going to drop the kids off there this week! So I am not alone. But I am.

After dance class, I took the kids out to buy Jonathan some cards and balloons and candy and flowers. (I didn't want his hospital room to be empty.) I checked my cell phone every five minutes because I was supposed to receive a call when Jonathan came out of recovery. And I hated not being there. Jonathan said, What would you do? You'd just be waiting. But that is what I wanted to do. I wanted to be there. Waiting. But I have the kids. So we had lunch at Target and came back here and they were very good and played in their rooms.

And then finally, finally, Jonathan called! He had just woken up so I threw the kids in the car and raced over to see him. And he was okay! He was lying in his bed in his own room and he had oxygen tubes coming out of his nose like someone in the hospital on a soap opera. The kids were happy to see him, though they were very concerned that he didn't have his own clothes on and they kept looking all over the room for Daddy's clothes. I told them that Daddy was going to spend the night there and Blue looked upset. "How will Daddy go potty?" she asked me. So we showed her his private bathroom and she seemed relieved.

We didn't stay very long and it hurt my heart to leave, but I thought Jonathan would rest better without the kids running around.

As we were getting in the car, Blue began to cry. She told me she didn't want Daddy to stay at the hospital, that she wanted Daddy to get in the car with is and I kept telling her everything would be fine. I asked her not to cry because then I would cry. "I miss Daddy, too," I told her. "Daddy is my best friend."

"Daddy is my best friend, too," she said.

"And Daddy is my best friend, too," Little Lion Man chimed in.

And somehow I made it home without crying.

But he is resting and we have spoken on the phone and he has eaten dinner and even walked around his room a bit, so everything sounds okay. And I am so relieved I feel like I am dissolving, like that beautiful scene in Amelie where she turns into water and splashes down onto the floor of the cafe. I feel just like that.