17 April 2006

Medicated at Last

Well, I went to the doctor today and got a prescription for Zoloft to help me deal with my post-partum depression. I think I have been struggling with anxiety for years, so I am very "anxious" (haha) to see if this helps me.

I am so very, very lucky to have such an amazing husband and caring friends and family to listen to me and to help me with Blue and the Lion. I worry about all the other women out there who may be suffering in silence. (God forbid Katie Holmes should wind up with post-partum depression!)

It has been very difficult to admit that I am not in control of my feelings. We tried for so long to have children and all I wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom--I felt very foolish admitting I was having trouble! Maybe if Blue were a little older than she is now and could verbalize better... Maybe if the Lion didn't cry for so many hours of the day... Who knows? Maybe none of that matters.

I mean, I've got nothing against taking medication to cope with depression or anxiety. Half of my family is on something! (I won't say which half, although my mother did thank God for Prozac in her last Christmas letter!) I think it's just the fact that my crying spells are triggered by the Lion's crying spells that is hard to face. Brooke Shields may be talking to the world about PPD but I still don't hear moms that I know talking about it. I know a mother who had it a few years ago (funnily enough, her babies were also 18 months apart and she had PPD after the second one was born) and I certainly didn't judge her. I remember feeling surprised because she is a very bubbly person and I couldn't picture her without a smile on her face, but that was my only reaction.

It's been hard to admit, too, because I like to think of myself as:
  1. extremely organized and capable (sending birthday cards and prompt thank-you notes, paying bills the day they arrive, keeping my pantry ridiculously well-stocked, etc.)
  2. a very strong person
As to the first characteristic, I realize this has nothing to do with being a capable person. My hormones are just out of control. And as for the second, I don't know whether I am a strong person, but I know I am not a weak one. As Jonathan pointed out, admitting I have a problem and asking for help from our friends and family has not been an easy thing to do.

But I have no choice. I need help, and my biggest motivation has been Blue. I do not like for her to see me like this. I do not like her seeing me cry. I was sitting on the couch yesterday, crying, and Jonathan was sitting beside me, trying to convince me to take the car and get out of the house for a while. He kept quietly saying, "Just go. Go. Go out and get some coffee and fresh air. Take as long as you need. Just go." And Blue walked up to me and put her hand on my leg and said, "Go" so I went.


Amy said...

Hey dude...I keep trying to call you, but I know that you're busy. Hope things are looking up; I'm thinking about you and praying for you. Hope to talk to you soon.

Anonymous said...

Your story about Sadie made me tear up. Isn't it amazing how having a child can make us take care of ourselves and see ourselves in ways we should have been all along, but didn't for some reason?

I often think about how I beat myself up for all of my flaws and how I need to change some of my thinking/behaviors so I don't pass it on to Hannah. She is just a baby and she is teaching ME so much about myself.

Have I told you lately how proud I am of you for getting help? I am soooooooooooooo proud of you!!