babies

I have been busy this weekend. Painting and cleaning and organizing. Maybe it is Spring cleaning. Maybe I am nesting. Little dude should be coming home in a few months now. We are getting his room ready and the rest of the house as well.

I went shopping while Susan was here and put together a little package to go over for his birthday. In exactly one month he will be one year old. It kills me that we won't be with him, giving him a taste of birthday cake, singing "Happy Birthday" and taking tons of pictures. I know he is being very well cared for by his foster mother, but it is still hard to wait. We sent him a birthday card, a little toy giraffe and a shirt that says "Little Brother" on it.

We still haven't chosen a name yet. There is one we both like and we are testing it out, saying it out loud, trying to decide if it is the one. We study his picture and try to see if the name suits him.

He is such a serious little guy. But we were watching old videos recently, and Blue was a very serious baby, too. I had forgotten that. She rarely smiled and only Jonathan could make her laugh out loud. She didn't want to be held much. She would squirm and try to get out of your arms. And she hated having her hands held! I do remember that! Little old ladies would try to touch her little hands and she would pull them away. She has always been so independent! I wonder what his personality will be like...

A friend of ours had her baby this week. A little baby boy named Davis. Davis has a congenital heart defect. He is doing really well, but it is still such a scary situation. I told Lion the baby was born and he said, "Well, I guess we can stop praying now!" like he was sick and tired of praying or something! But I told him the baby still needs lots of prayers. If you are reading this, could you spare a few prayers for Davis and his parents? They started a blog. Here's the link: Davis' Journey.

Grammies!

I just turned on the Grammys and 2 seconds later, the Avett brothers began performing! Yum.

I decided to watch the Grammys this year. I don't usually care about them at all, being more of an Academy Awards girl really, but I heard on the radio that Michael Buble is up for a Grammy for "Haven't Met You Yet." And that song makes me cry every single time I hear it. Makes me think of our little dude over in Korea. So I am watching on the off chance he performs the song and I can have a good cry.

I picture little dude when he is a teenager rolling his eyes in disgust because Michael Buble is so lame. And I will further embarrass him by telling him I loved him before I even met him...

no, not quite...

I was getting my hair cut at Floyd's recently and I told the chick cutting my hair about the adoption. "We are adopting a baby boy from South Korea," I told her.

"Ohmygod!" she cried. "How cute! You're going to have a little Chinese baby!"

I just grinned at her and didn't say anything. Hilarious. I mean, what could I say?!

But it makes me wonder if Little Dude will go through life with people assuming he is Chinese. I asked a girl in my Psych class about it this week. She is from Laos and the professor asked her, "Are you Chinese? Korean? Well, do you celebrate Chinese New Year?"

I asked her about that a little later and she said, "Oh, yeah. Your son will definitely get that a lot. People always assume I am Chinese."

Something to think about. I have never had people assume I am anything. Except maybe Canadian. But that is because I talk a little funny, I think...

number nine

Jonathan and I drove with the kids up to the adoption agency today to drop off some paperwork. And the lady at the agency told us that we are now number nine on the list to be matched to a child. Nine! As in single digits. I am ... I don't even know what I am ... speechless, I guess.

Jonathan is handling this whole waiting period much more gracefully than I am. Which is funny, since he is usually the one who loves timelines and plans. I am a little more go-with-the-flow, I think. Maybe not. Because this whole up-in-the-air business of waiting is driving me crazy. It is starting to remind me a little of the days before I got pregnant with Blue. Did I say days? Ha! More like months and months. And I became a crazy woman. I was just like this big, foaming, starving mouth attached to two empty arms over a hollow uterus. That is what I was, and it was not pretty. I am not near that desperate place. But this unknowing reminds me of the journey into that place and it sucks.

Jonathan says it will happen when it happens, it will happen when the time is right, God has a plan and all of the other absolutely right things he said to me then. But I still feel frustrated.

I hate waiting. But I know he will be worth the wait.

Sigh. Which reminds me of that freakin' Michael Buble song. "I Just Haven't Met You Yet." Every time it comes on the radio, I sing along at the top of my lungs and then I get a lump in my throat and I sound like a frog and I tear up. Especially when he sings the second verse, which is:

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

Gets me every time.

Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day and I am having a lovely day. The kids (and Jonathan) made me French toast this morning for breakfast and gave me their cards. Two big events there: this was the first time the Lion cracked eggs and he spelled his name all by himself in the card!


We went on a short hike in Golden Gate Canyon State Park with Mabel and tonight we are going to Cinzzetti's for some delicious Italian food.


I am having the perfect Mother's Day. But I also cannot help wondering about Mother's Day next year... Will we have three children? Has our son been born already?

If you have been born already, little man, wherever you are, whoever you are, I am thinking of you today.

six months minus six months equals ...

Jonathan got a call the other day from the woman who will be doing our homestudy for the adoption. And something really has been on my mind. The thing is, we are number twelve on the list now to get a referral. For those of you who may not know, a referral is the photo of our child and his basic medical/family history.

Let me back up a bit. What will typically go down is this: somewhere in Korea, a young woman has made the ultimate decision. She has received counseling and care throughout her pregnancy from the organization that handles our child's adoption. She will give birth to the perfect baby boy. After she relinquishes her rights--such a cold, clinical term for such a moment, reminds me of how the doctors called my miscarriage a "spontaneous abortion"--after she relinquishes her rights, the baby will go into a foster home where a foster mother will take care of him until his adoption.

In Korea, they are currently waiting six months before sending pictures to our agency here in Colorado to give the agency in Korea time to possibly place the babies with Korean families. They are trying to encourage domestic adoptions in Korea.

So what that means for us is that our son will be six months old when we see his photograph for the first time. It typically takes six more months for all of the paperwork to be finalized and for him to be flown here to us, so he will be about a year old when I finally have him in my arms. That is the average timeline.

Now, what has been on my mind is basic mathematics. If we are twelfth on the list at our agency to receive a referral, and our agency usually processes two referrals a month, that means we should get a photograph of our son in six months ... are you following this? And he will be about six months old in his photograph ... so ... that means he could be born right about ... now.

I cannot get this out of my head. That my son may be born already. That he may be born today. Or tomorrow. That my son's birth day will pass by and I will have no idea ... no idea that one of the most important days in my future life just slipped by me. A day that I will be cherishing, blowing up balloons, frosting Sesame Street cakes, hanging up pinatas and taking countless photographs of my son...

So my little plan is to try to blog something, anything, every day. Just so that I will have some sort of record of what I was doing on my son's birth day. Maybe. Unless he has already been born. Because I want to know. If I can. I mean, say he was born on March third. I have no idea what I was doing on that day! Was I grumpy? Was I happy? Was it raining or snowing? Did I blog on that day? Probably not; I am not very consistent! (And I just randomly picked that date, March third. What if that is really his birthday?)

So, little star, where ever you are, I am thinking of you all the time.

I heart facebook

I spend way too much time on there. But sometimes it pays off. I found two old friends who I have been trying to reconnect with forever. And I am just so happy to be reunited with them. :)

So if I am not blogging regularly and claiming it is because I am busy with parenting or studying for school or even cleaning my house (har-de-har har) please know that I am lying to you. Because I am probably just spending too much time on facebook, harvesting my farmville crops or doing some jobs for my mafia. Anyway. Just thought you should know that.

Thank you for listening to me vent about that woman at the doctor's office. Sigh. I appreciate all of your kind words. And please don't think I am angry at her still or losing sleep over it. It is just such new territory for me, this whole adoption process. I have been asking my friend, Shannon, lots of questions (on facebook, of course!) because she adopted her son last year. And it has been very helpful to get her perspective on things.

say what?

I had a physical yesterday. For the adoption, Jonathan and I need to get some forms signed by our doctor saying we are healthy enough to be parents. So I was sitting there, having blood drawn, and I told the woman taking my blood that we are adopting.

"Oh! From the United States of America?" she asked me.

I just smiled and said, "No, from South Korea. We are getting a baby boy and we are so excited blahblahblah ..." but inside I was thinking, What the hell? Why on earth would you ask me that? So than I asked her is she has any children. She told me she doesn't. I felt like saying, "Then why don't you adopt from the United States of America?"

I am just wondering if I am being too sensitive. Maybe reading all of those books on adoption has put me on the lookout for insensitive comments. But seriously. Seriously. Why would she have felt the need to say the United States of America? Like I wouldn't know which United States she was talking about?

All of the books I've read about international adoption are full of horror stories about people telling total strangers that they should have adopted domestically. That there are "plenty of children in this country who need good homes" or some crap like that. I told myself that people really aren't that awful. No one would actually say that to someone. Right? Not in this day and age... Right?

But maybe they do. Maybe this one strange comment from this woman drawing my blood is like me dipping my toe into the waters of rude people who will feel free to give me their two cents on my life. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it. I know I can be sensitive, but I also don't think I am an idiot, and I think she did mean something by it.

It is certainly a wake up call to me. I am so excited to have another son that I am just bursting to talk about it! I want the world to know. But maybe not everyone will be happy for me. And that is hard for me to wrap my head around.

it begins!

I have not had much time to blog this week. My mom is visiting and we have been waaaaay too busy going out to eat and celebrating my birthday and showing each other our farms on farmville for me to sit down and write much.

But.

I had to blog this. Because this is Blog-Worthy.

I turned in our formal application to the adoption agency tonight!

I thought, I'll take Mom up there, it's only about half an hour away, and drop this off and be back in time for dinner. No big deal.

I was wrong. It was a big deal. I am sad that Jonathan was working and couldn't be there to see our name go on the agency's list. But I am so happy my mom was there. And she took some pictures of me. I looked so sloppy and didn't want her to take pictures at the time, but after we got in the car and I got all teary-eyed and shaky and called Jonathan, then --then -- I was so grateful she had taken pictures. Who cares that I was wearing a hoodie and my hair was falling out of my ponytail? I want my son to see those pictures someday.

We drove home through the snow and traffic and when we walked in the door of my house Jonathan was making us a delicious Thai curry dinner. I love my life.

a nursery for a girl

Okay. So anyone who knows me knows that as soon as Jonathan and I began talking about adoption I began decorating a nursery. In my mind, at least. And I am so excited about it because all of the nursery option are so much better now than they were six years ago! It was very hard to find anything back when I was pregnant with Blue. We needed something gender-neutral and I liked the idea of yellow and red. And all of the nursery bedding in the stores was so cutesy and traditional... We managed to find a set we both liked that had a barnyard theme and went with the yellow and red we liked.

But now there are so many nursery bedding lines that are very modern or retro or graphic, as well as the usual bedding with ladybugs or trucks or barnyard animals. So I am excitedly poring over baby and nursery websites!

The first scheme I have come up with is for a baby girl. Because that is where our thoughts were lying originally. But now we are thinking about adopting a boy! Because it really doesn't matter to us which gender our next child is. I mean, if I got pregnant again, we would not be able to choose the sex of the baby. So maybe our next child will be a baby boy!

But here is the little girl nursery I came up with. And now I get to design a boy nursery, too! In case that is the direction we wind up going. Can you tell how much fun I am having with this?!

So the jumping off point for the nursery is these bookends from CB2:


Now before you start thinking I am going to go all-out and hang lanterns everywhere and fill the room with fans and panda bears and bamboo and other sterotypical Asian decor, let me explain. We are looking into adopting a baby from Korea. So I am trying to read up on Korean culture since I am woefully ignorant of almost all world geography and culture. I want to make sure he or she knows all about Korean culture and history and food and that it is an integral part of our lives. But I also refuse to foist any and all Asian culture on my child! I will not automatically buy her Mulan dolls (which is a Chinese legend, anyway!) or enroll him in Taekwondo. Maybe he'd rather play soccer. Maybe she won't like Korean food. Am I making sense? I feel like I am not explaining this very well...

Anyway, having said that, I do love the idea of having these fu lions in the baby's room. Because they are guardians. Maybe the baby's birth mother would like to think that there would be these Korean guardians in her child's room in America. If something had happened to me and my Blue wound up being raised in Korea, I would like to think the mother there tried, in her own way, to salute Blue's American heritage. Like maybe sticking a little American flag in Blue's room, or something...

So I like these fu lions. I like the idea of them up on a shelf, watching over the baby.

I would do the walls a soft, creamy yellow (again with the yellow and red nurseries!) and I fell in love with this bedding from Land of Nod:



You can't see it in this picture, but the set has a white eyelet cribskirt.


I would also hang white eyelet curtains in the window. I love quilts and I love white eyelet. So old fashioned and feminine in an Anne of Green Gables kind of way.

Anyway, then one day on Art.com I stumbled across this little print by Ezra Jack Keats, called Feeding the Birds from Jennie's Hat
which I love and which has both the soft yellow wall color in it as well as the orangey red of the fu lions. Perfect.


To continue the bird theme, I found these lovely bird decals from blik. I am really digging the combination of yellow and grey lately, so these would look so pretty on a yellow wall.

Anyway, that is all I have found so far for a baby girl's nursery. And now we are thinking about adopting a son, so I am starting to plan a baby boy's room, too. Stay tuned for those plans!

learning

Today is my fourth day of class this semester. And I just have to say this semester is going to take considerably more of my time than the last one. I am taking the second half of Anatomy, which is a lot more intricate than the first half. A lot of the first half was memorizing bones and muscles. And, I have to admit, I have been blessed with a freaky strong memory. So all of those terms came pretty easily to me. But so far we are studying the endocrine system and it is a lot harder for me to memorize all of the hormones and their properties and the all of the steps of the second messenger systems the water-based hormones employ... Grrrr...

Also, last semester my second class was an English class which was cake. I mean, all we had to do was crank out five essays. Whether we attended class was pretty much optional.

My second class this semester is a Psychology course. Human Growth and Development. Which I am loving. But which is significantly harder than the English class.

The Psychology course is so fascinating. And I cannot stop applying everything we have been learning so far--about genetic psychology and nature vs. nurture--to the dynamics of adoption. Because it is always on my mind. I will read a paragraph in my book ... and then I am picturing a little baby face ... and then I will shake the image from my head, look back at the book and read another paragraph ... and then I am thinking of baby names ...

So I will discuss the adoption plan. I will blog about it a lot. Just a head's up.

Tomorrow night I am attending an adoption information session at our church. Which seems like very fortuitous timing. I think the focus will be on foster care and subsequent adoption. I want to hear about all of it. There will be families there who have gone through the adoption process and I cannot wait to hear their stories. I think it is fascinating how people arrive at the right decision for their family. Because every family is different. And every adoption situation is different.

So far I catch myself getting defensive when I talk to someone about our plan. Because often they have questions about it. Which is perfectly natural. But which I feel defensive about answering. A part of me feels like if I was pregnant, no one would be asking me about my reasons for becoming pregnant. But announcing we plan to adopt has opened a whole can of worms, such as Why China? Why not Haiti? Why not an American child? Why not foster care? Why not an older child?

When I first told my friend, Shannon, about our plan I felt like I was literally apologizing for the fact that I want to adopt a baby and not an older child. She interrupted me and said, "Erin, it's okay to want things." And it was like a wave crashing over me. What do I want? I want a baby. I do not want to adopt because I want to "save" some orphan from a lonely existence. I want to adopt because I want a baby.

Some people have implied that Jonathan and I are wonderful people because we are going to adopt. Like we are overly generous or something like that. It makes me smile. I mean, yeah, I think Jonathan and I are pretty wonderful, but our reason for adopting is completely selfish. We want another child.

putting it out there

I am going to do it. I am going to drop a bombshell.

Jonathan is on the phone and he just told his mom all about it and I heard him tell her, "Yeah, you can tell people!" He looked at me and nodded and frowned, like, Right? We are telling people? And I shrugged and nodded back. I already told my mom and once the moms are told, any news is completely allowed out of the bag, right?

Anyway, it is more a whisper than an announcement. Still in its infancy stages. But huge and all-consuming, none the less. And if I am building up some suspense, good. Because this little whisper, this plan, is suspense-worthy. I am full of it right now as I type.

We are planning to expand our family. Yes! It is out there now. Floating around the interwebs. We are planning to adopt a child.

Our plan is still in its infancy stage. We are looking into adopting a baby from China. We know that this is a very long process and plans can change, but whoever our next child we be and wherever he or she may come from, please, just bear with the lack of details and information and just revel in our decision and please please please please pray for us.