Individuation

At three it begins.
He turns from me as from a captor
one who he’s come to love, mind you
but also to disdain.
He is inconsistent in his affection,
reaching for me one minute,
snubbing me the next.
The promise of a cookie
holds less sway over him
and threats lose their power altogether.
When I turn off the T.V. he screams in protest,
holds his winged dragon up to my ear
and says, “I will make you die.”
Only last year his warm plump body
fit snugly into my arms.
Now he is long, leaner,
his pant legs always short.

Sarah Byck

back in the saddle

I am back in Colorado with my boy and my babies and my boy's parents. Last week was a really rough one. I may (or may not) blog about it later but I will say this right now: thank you for any and all kind words and prayers for my brother. He is an amazing guy. I think he will be okay.
I hope he will be okay.

But I am very tired. And happy to be home. And fighting off some kind of coughing, sneezing scenario that is trying to knock me on my ass.

Lion turned three yesterday. I think he had a great day. And the Oscars are on tonight. So, adieu.

quick note

I may not be able to post for a few days.

My sister-in-law, Brenda, passed away last night. I am heading home for a few days to be with the family. Thank God Susan and Shelton are visiting so the kids will not miss me too much and so they will not drive Jonathan crazy. I feel bad leaving while they are out here. But I have to go. My heart feels like a stone. My poor poor brother.

NaBloPoMo Day 13

I have no idea why I decided to try and post everyday this particular month, when Jonathan's parents are arriving tomorrow for a 2 week visit. But I did. So here's a quick post. :)

Here's a funny Lion story to tide you over:

Scene: the family sits around the table eating dinner
Lion: Did somebody fart at the table?
Mommy: Um, noooo.
Daddy: shakes head, looking confused
Blue: No!
Lion: giggling  Oh, I did!

The Orphanage

is a really good movie. Scary. I don't even think I've ever watched a scary movie before that was as beautiful as this one. Or that made me cry like a baby. So good.

NaBloPoMo Day 11

I was in the mall the other day and I got my engagement ring cleaned at the jewelry store. While I was waiting, I admired all of the shiny, shiny rings.

"I was wondering if you're going to buy me a pretty ring this year for our anniversary," I told Jonathan later. "Since it will be our ten year anniversary and all."

He blinked at me and said, "I wouldn't count on it. Since it will be our seven year anniversary this year."

NaBloPoMo Day 10

I was just about to go to bed when I realized I didn't post anything today. And I am determined to complete a full month of blogging. So here is my post for today.

Lion was singing "Please, Mister, don't touch me tomatoes" today in the car. It was awfully cute.

Good night.

NaBloPoMO Day 9

Jonathan and I signed up today to have our milk delivered. Twice a week, Royal Crest Dairy will deliver a gallon of fresh milk to our door by 5 am. The price is not much more than a gallon of milk at Wal-Mart and the milk will be so much better for the kids. And for us. And we will be supporting a local family business that has been operating since 1927. They also deliver fresh, free-range eggs, butter, cream, etc. And the man we signed up with told us to bring the kids by the farm sometime to see all of the free-range chickens running around. I think that sounds awesome. So we will definitely be heading over there soon. I am so excited and proud that we will be getting fresh milk delivered. We go through milk like nobody's business. The Lion drinks a cup at every meal. That boy loves his milk. And I just love the retro vibe of having a milkman...

NaBloPoMo Day 8

I am watching Toy Story with the kids. For the billionth time, it seems. But I just love sitting with them, my arms around their warm little bodies. Their sweet-smelling heads resting on my chest. It kills me that one day they will not want to be this close to me. That they will want "personal space."

NaBloPoMo Day 8 summation
want this feeling to last forever

NaBloPoMo Day 7

Happy birthday, Mom!

NaBloPoMo Day 6

It is very windy here. Very windy. People say that Wyoming is where it's at, if you like the wind. I say, no, thank you. This is bad enough.

Sometimes at night we get Chinook winds. They are so freaky loud and strong, I lie in bed with my eyes wide open waiting for our house to be swept away to Oz.

I was walking in the Wal-Mart parking lot with the Lion today and my shirt blew up. Just what every woman hopes will happen to her, right? As I slapped my shirt down with my free hand, I somehow caught a receipt that had blown out of a man's hand about ten feet from me. "Nice catch," he said as I handed it to him. Of course he didn't say anything about my flashing him. Unless "Nice catch" could also mean "Nice boobs." Somehow I doubt it.

NaBloPoMo Day 6 summation
want nice boobs
want to feel at home here

NaBloPoMo Day 5

The Lion and I slept together last night. He and I have both been battling a cold the past few days. Last night he was coughing like crazy in his bed so I went in to check on him and maybe give him some Triaminic. He was miserable. He started crying and wailing and rubbing his eyes. I tucked him in and tried to say good-night, but he said, "I don't want you to leave me."

So I stayed. For a long time. I kept trying to sneak away every time he seemed to finally doze off, feeling like a complete jerk but needing to get some sleep myself. Feeling like a gigolo sneaking away before morning. And every time he opened his eyes and then his little face crumpled and he stuck out his bottom lip and cried, "Don't go!" How could I possibly leave him?

So I laid down beside him and whispered, "Mommy's here" over and over and watched his little face. Watched him rub his tired eyes. Smiled at his hair sticking straight up on the back of his head. Breathed in the scent of his baby shampoo. And wondered at the miracle that is my son. I hope some girl falls madly in love with him someday, so in love that she lies beside him and watches him fall asleep. And comforts him when he is sick.

Jonathan came up and found me lying in the Lion's bed. He suggested Lion and I sleep in our bed where I might be more comfortable, and he could sleep in the guest room so he might not get sick, too.

So Jonathan gathered up the Lion's Wiggles pillow and his little blue blanket and Lion grabbed his Thomas the Tank Engine and I gathered up Lion.

He slept most of the night, with only a few bouts of coughing. I spent the night mostly awake, scooting closer and closer to the edge of the bed to avoid getting kicked and at one point waking up in pain to find I was lying on top of Thomas the Tank Engine.

NaBloPoMo Day 4

So I have a complaint about Blue's preschool. They keep misspelling her name*. The first time, I noticed it on her little backpack hook. Right above her hook was a tag that said "Blew."

I pointed it out to the teacher, she looked annoyed (with her assistant, not me) and apologized profusely.

This morning, I noticed on one of her art projects that she brought home, her name printed in the top corner: Blew.

So again today I brought it up to her teacher. And she was mortified and apologized for her assistant. But I am so frustrated. Am I overreacting? Because I do, I know, have a tendency to overreact and to fixate on things that in the scheme of things are not that important.

But. I want Blue to learn name recognition. And I definitely want her to learn to spell her own name correctly. Or, as Jonathan mentioned today, not to think the spelling of her name is negotiable.  At least not until she is older!

I know it should not matter how a name is spelled. In the olden days, a woman named Catherine could sign her name Katherine or Catherine, however she pleased, much to the frustration of historians and genealogists. Today, girls with names like Laurie change the spelling as they go through adolescence. Right? One day Lori, the next Laurie and sometimes with hearts over the "i"s. Blue may one day decide her name is "Blough" or some shit like that and I will have to smile and pretend not to care.

But for some reason, spelling really matters to me. I hate when Jonathan finds a typo on this blog and I race to the computer to correct it. And it really bothers me when names are spelled incorrectly. That is, when they do not follow the rules of pronunciation.

What do you think?

*which is not actually Blue

NaBloPoMo Day 4 summation:
want my child to learn to spell her name correctly
want the school to learn to spell already
want to know if I am overreacting

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

NaBloPoMo Day 3

It has been very warm here in Colorado. Which is cracking me up since there has been such freaky icy cold weather back home lately. The kids played in the backyard for a while today, allowing me to get a little bit more painting done.

My mom was surprised when she visited us that Denver isn't really in the mountains. It's true it is the mile-high city and the mountains are very nearby, but Denver is in the prairie really. The sky out here is enormous. Unlike anything I've ever seen. And the ground is a bleached yellow color. I keep telling Jonathan the green will probably be overwhelming when we visit Virginia this summer. I am surprised how much I like the prairie. I would have thought I'd miss the green of Virginia more than I do. But I think the combination of the yellow grass and the blue blue sky is breathtaking.


And then there is the view of the mountains, which I never get tired of looking at. Although some days the sight of the mountains makes me sad, realizing just how far away from home we really are.

NaBloPoMo Day 3 summation:
I want it all. I want to live in Colorado and I want all of my friends and family to move out here with me. Who wants to be first to join me? Anyone? Anyone?

NaBloPoMo Day 2 - For Real

As a stay-at-home mom I never know what day it is. So somehow, I thought I was already on day 2 of my "National Blog Posting Month" when it was February 1st. Whatever.

I did not go to bodypump this morning and I am so glad I didn't, in case you were thinking maybe I feel guilty or disappointed in myself.  I have been a big grumpy, crampy mess today. I had no business being ordered about by a man in a track suit. It was all I could do to drag my ass around and get Blue to preschool on time, fed and clean, and to not yell at the kids for looking at me, much less to not yell at the Lion for spilling his milk twice at breakfast and his bright blue icee drink in Target twice. sigh

Despite being a grumpy, crampy mess I somehow managed to be a patient, stellar mommy who even took the Lion to his favorite store (Party City) to look at all of the balloons.

Today is also February second, and not to be maudlin, but today is the anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant ten years ago. Whoa, ten years ago... We would have a really old child by now if fate hadn't intervened... As time has passed I think about that brief pregnancy and the miscarriage less and less. I am just so blessed to have Blue and Little Lion Man. Now it all feels like it happened to someone else.

NaBloPoMo Day 2 - For Real - Summation:
wanting (and praying for) happy, healthy pregnancies resulting in happy, healthy babies for Elisa, Tina, Meggie, Hilary, Denise and Nicole!

NaBloPoMo Day 2

Jonny and I just watched the superbowl. We had recorded it because I was out with the Lion and missed the beginning. And because we had to pause it many many many times to referee the kids.

We usually referee by trying to determine which child is the culprit (not easy to do) and putting the assumed culprit in the corner. Until he or she calms down. And then we discuss what happened, have the accused apologize and we kiss and hug and call it solved. But sometimes I just do not feel up to the task of trying to figure out who hit whom first and whether it was intentional or accidental and so sometimes I just make them hug and say they are sorry to each other and skip the whole time out bit. And I was delighted to see that the Gosselins do this too on Jon and Kate Plus 8. Granted, they have 6 toddlers and I only have two, but whatever.

In addition to our regular meals today I set out some plates of fruit and veggies and chips and salsa and some dips in the family room. Super bowl snacks. I let the kids load up their little plates and sit on the hearth to eat. They loved this! I cannot believe how much food they consumed. But since at least half of it was veggies and there was spinach in one of the dips, I am not too concerned.

And they had a blast with the 3D glasses Wal-Mart was handing out the other day for the 3D superbowl commercials.

We don't watch football. Just the superbowl, and then usually just for the commercials. But I really got into this one. I really wanted the Cardinals to win. So of course they lost. And the commercials were pretty lame this year, too, so I am wondering why I bothered to spend half of my day in front of the television.

And I feel like crap because I ate waaaaaay too many chips. And I have bodypump in the morning. sigh

Nablopomo Day 2 summation:
wanted the Cardinals to win
want to sleep in tomorrow and avoid any and all bodypumping

NaBloPoMo

I am trying to do it. To post every day this month, aka the shortest month of the year.

Why do I feel like just saying out loud that I want to post every day is jinxing me and you won't hear from me again for several days???

Anyway, here goes nothing. Also, the "theme" for the month is want. So. Want... As in I want to post every day. I want to get in shape. I want to make masses of friends out here in Colorado. And right now, I want to go to bed.

Good night.